Lately I've been feeling like I'm trapped somewhere between childhood and adulthood. I'm 21 years old and in eight months, I'll be 22. Yet, some days I feel like I'm still 17 years old and others I feel like I'm 40 years old. It's an odd place to be.Part of the issue is the people that I see around me. Some of the people I grew up with have gotten married, bought a house, had a child. Others are working great jobs and in relationships that have been going strong for multiple years. Or they struggle working at a fast food restaurant to put themselves through school while still helping out with their family and younger sibling.
And then there are others that don't have to work and whose parents pay for everything. I am not judging them or saying that their way of life is wrong. That's not it. I'm quite happy for them that they can have a comfortable life without financial strain. The reason I'm even writing about this is because someone made an off-handed comment about how they wish I could quit my job to focus on other things. I wish I had the luxury to that, but unfortunately, that can't be. Bills have to be paid and to achieve that goal, work must be done.
That's why I feel trapped in the middle. While I don't have parents who help financially, I am also not responsible for a marriage, or kids, or a house. I just work a small time job that is used to make the necessary amount of money to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But it's still not much. That fact cannot be disputed.
I often feel adrift because I don't know where I'm heading next. I have so much that I want to do in life, but I don't know where to start. That makes me nervous, because as my friends know, I like to have a game plan prepared for almost everything. I hate not knowing what's coming up next. Right now my life is like a TV Guide that doesn't show whats on next.
Every time I feel like I know what I want to do with my life, something happens to knock it off kilter. Usually this event makes me feel ill informed about the topic and then I feel like I don't understand and never will. I've dealt with insecurity and self-confidence issues in my past (and I still do) and when something comes along that makes me feel dumb concerning my chosen career path, it triggers all of those old insecurities. It's stupid that it does, but the smallest thing can set off those feelings.
My friend Sue told me before I left for Ohio State that she knew that I was going to change the world. I've had several people tell me that. At first, I though it was the greatest compliment I'd ever received. Then, after a while, I realized that it carried a large weight with it. It feels like if my life turns out to be mediocre, then I'm letting her down. It's really strange.
So, to recap: I really need help with self-confidence. I'm going to be working on that, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to build it up, let me know. I'm being serious. Self-confidence building is going to be my big push this quarter.
Also, I could use help being more confident about my political thoughts and ideas. If i say something political, feel free to challenge me on it*. I don't want to get in a throw down fight over it, but this will help me hone my political skills. I need to be able to explain what I mean. If I say I don't know, remind me to figure it out. This will be a huge help.
* The exception to this rule is if you and I have agreed to disagree on a certain issue. Seriously.
Well, I guess that's the end of this rant. Sorry it was so long and dramatic. Dramatic is my way. What can I say?
I'm going to leave you with a quote from James Dean. Please feel free to check out my other blog, "James Dean and Me". (jamesdeanandme.blogspot.com).
"If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man."
~ James Byron Dean
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