Will I Ever Not Be Confused?

Why does it seem that every time I seem to have my life figured out, it all unravels itself again and I'm left no better off than I was?

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Martin Luther King Jr. and Gay Rights

Today was Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It is a National Holiday in which people are given time to reflect on the works of one of the greatest Civil Rights leaders this nation has ever seen.

Across the country, communities held MLK Day of Service events, designed to give back to the community and make someone's day a little brighter. It was during my attendance at one such event here at Ohio State that I realized what is wrong the gay rights movement in the United States today.

We need a Martin Luther King.

The gay rights movement does not have a visionary leader to lead us in our greatest triump: equal rights for all. We have Harvey Milk, who is an icon in gay culture, being the first elected openly gay man. He had a visionary dream. Much like Dr. King himself, Harvey was gunned down by an assassans bullet. However, the LGBT community is not rallying around Harvey Milk. They are not using him as a reason to march in the streets all the way to Washington D.C. We simply revere his memory and pine for another like him (No, mass media, Perez Hilton is not that person).

So, who is leading the charge for gay rights? I'd like to tell you that some of our gay rights groups are, but I'd be lying. These groups, for the most part, have turned in to muddled bureaucracies that can't even construct a clear message on the smallest of issues, let alone the largest issues that loom over our community like a mountain.

Why are we not marching in the streets? Why aren't we fighting back against all of those who oppress us? Sure, we gathered in DC and shouted a little. But there weren't nearly enough of us, mainly because it fell into the hands of those rights groups. Their attempts to "organize" the event ended up being the straw that broke the camel's back and ultimately defeated this march. The media barely paid it any mind.

The time is here for us to take action! There is a court case in California's Fedearl Court that could determine gay rights in this country once and for all. No matter the outcome for us, this case will head to the US Supreme Court. This could either make or break us. Lose, and we suffer a set back of twenty years or more worth of progress. If we win, equality will finally be had, at least on paper.

Those are huge stakes for a community that has been fighting for rights for many, many years. So again I ask: Where is our Martin Luther King who will lead us in this fight and inspire us all to unite as one?

I hope we find that person soon...

Epiphany

Have you ever had one of those days that just seems as if everything is finally coming together?

Today was one of those days. Which is great, because I was having a couple of really bad days.I guess it's like they say: It is always darkest before the dawn.

I realized today that I am finally on the right path in my life. I feel like I'm doing the right things, knowing the right people, and seeing the right things.

There are going to be a lot of truths here, but I need to get these things off of my chest so that I can move on with my epiphany and continue down this new path. So, here goes...

1) I am losing weight for me, not anyone else. I am not doing this to look good for other people or to wear smaller clothes. I am not even doing this for the weight loss challenge that I entered into. If I lose, I lose. I am doing this for my health, for my life. I am sick of running out of breath, to the point of exhaustion, just by climbing the stairs to my classroom. I am sick of not being able to play with dog for more than 5 minutes without running out of breath. So, I am going to do better. Eat better, exercise more, drink more water. It's go time.

2) I finally feel like I'm on the right path. At least career wise. I am getting more involved with my LGBT Initiatives this quarter and I finally feel like an integral part of the LGBT community on campus. I am brimming with ideas and now that I have a partner on campus to get things accomplished, I feel like my ideas have a meaning. Also, I know what I want to do after college: I want to move to Washington, D.C. I've always wanted to move there, to live in thick of politics. I was worried what people would think, but I'm not anymore. It is my dream and I want to make it come true. Which leads to...

3) I am going to live out my dreams now, instead of later. I have a friend who set aside her dreams and waited many, many years to pick them up again. By that time, she was fully embedded in her life. To follow her dreams, she had to leave her family, friends, and complete life behind in order to go find her self. I don't ever want that to happen to me. I want to be able to meet people on my way through life, on my way to living my dreams, and bring them with me on the journey.

4) I'm in a relationship that I feel pretty secure in. Scott is one of the best things that has happened to me in a long while. Early on, I still had feelings for a friend of mine. We had gone through this before, and he had told me that he didn't have feelings for me outside of friendship. I understood and we are still really good, close friends. However, there was always a part of me that wondered what if? but I realized that was foolish. Still, the feelings were there for a while. However, I truly know that he doesn't have feelings for me outside of friendship and I am okay with that; I have been for quite a long time. He is one of my closest friends and I hope this doesn't make him feel awkward. :-) If it does, I apologize.

5) I am going to church tomorrow, for the first time in over 7 years. I'm going to church with Matt and Natasha, my two best friends. We're going to a Lutheran church, which is accepting a gays and lesbians. I will let you know how this goes. I am just trying to awaken myself spiritually. I have been thinking a lot about life, death, God, and religion and I haven't talked about it with anyone. Then, Natasha randomly invited me to go with her and I felt like it was a sign. We shall see.

Well, that's it for my epiphany. I hope that I am able to stay in this mindset. It's going to be a challenge, but I'm going to make it work. I know I can.

Thanks for reading! :-D

Bad Day

Do you ever have a really bad day? Yeah, I'm sure you have. I am having a really bad day and I can't quite explain why. Yet everyone wants an explanation. I don't know what to say.

Have you ever had that kind of day? How did you deal with it?

AVATAR

Avatar is quite possibly one of the greatest films I have ever had the pleasure of seeing. It was a spectacle, I'll give you that, but it was also so much more. It was an allegory for our treatment of the Indians upon landing in the New World, of our involvement in preemptive and destructive wars. (You have to admit that the Sergeant sure sounded like a certain Ex-President of ours, didn't he?)

The message is powerful, but better left to each individual to decide what the film means to them. However, this film is not to be missed in theaters. You should not wait until the DVD release. See it now!

Adulthood Here I Come: Or, A Rant About Life

Lately I've been feeling like I'm trapped somewhere between childhood and adulthood. I'm 21 years old and in eight months, I'll be 22. Yet, some days I feel like I'm still 17 years old and others I feel like I'm 40 years old. It's an odd place to be.

Part of the issue is the people that I see around me. Some of the people I grew up with have gotten married, bought a house, had a child. Others are working great jobs and in relationships that have been going strong for multiple years. Or they struggle working at a fast food restaurant to put themselves through school while still helping out with their family and younger sibling.

And then there are others that don't have to work and whose parents pay for everything. I am not judging them or saying that their way of life is wrong. That's not it. I'm quite happy for them that they can have a comfortable life without financial strain. The reason I'm even writing about this is because someone made an off-handed comment about how they wish I could quit my job to focus on other things. I wish I had the luxury to that, but unfortunately, that can't be. Bills have to be paid and to achieve that goal, work must be done.

That's why I feel trapped in the middle. While I don't have parents who help financially, I am also not responsible for a marriage, or kids, or a house. I just work a small time job that is used to make the necessary amount of money to pay the bills. Don't get me wrong, I love my job. But it's still not much. That fact cannot be disputed.

I often feel adrift because I don't know where I'm heading next. I have so much that I want to do in life, but I don't know where to start. That makes me nervous, because as my friends know, I like to have a game plan prepared for almost everything. I hate not knowing what's coming up next. Right now my life is like a TV Guide that doesn't show whats on next.

Every time I feel like I know what I want to do with my life, something happens to knock it off kilter. Usually this event makes me feel ill informed about the topic and then I feel like I don't understand and never will. I've dealt with insecurity and self-confidence issues in my past (and I still do) and when something comes along that makes me feel dumb concerning my chosen career path, it triggers all of those old insecurities. It's stupid that it does, but the smallest thing can set off those feelings.

My friend Sue told me before I left for Ohio State that she knew that I was going to change the world. I've had several people tell me that. At first, I though it was the greatest compliment I'd ever received. Then, after a while, I realized that it carried a large weight with it. It feels like if my life turns out to be mediocre, then I'm letting her down. It's really strange.

So, to recap: I really need help with self-confidence. I'm going to be working on that, but if anyone has any suggestions on how to build it up, let me know. I'm being serious. Self-confidence building is going to be my big push this quarter.

Also, I could use help being more confident about my political thoughts and ideas. If i say something political, feel free to challenge me on it*. I don't want to get in a throw down fight over it, but this will help me hone my political skills. I need to be able to explain what I mean. If I say I don't know, remind me to figure it out. This will be a huge help.

* The exception to this rule is if you and I have agreed to disagree on a certain issue. Seriously.

Well, I guess that's the end of this rant. Sorry it was so long and dramatic. Dramatic is my way. What can I say?

I'm going to leave you with a quote from James Dean. Please feel free to check out my other blog, "James Dean and Me". (jamesdeanandme.blogspot.com).

"If a man can bridge the gap between life and death, if he can live on after he's dead, then maybe he was a great man."

~ James Byron Dean